Getting Kicked When You’re Already Down…A Series of Rants


I’ve been having quite the time lately. I can’t find a damn job worth a shit! You’d think having a bachelor’s degree would make some sort of difference in the land of job searching, but really all it does is throw another wrench into the mix. Do you have a BA? Rad! How about 2 years of experience in the field? Ummm, no. No I don’t. How in the exact shit am I supposed to have experience in a field where I just earned the credentials to get a job in the field?! I don’t want a dead end job…I’m 38 years old, and I just spent 4 years and thousands of dollars on my college education, only to find that it isn’t benefitting me much at the moment. I’m frustrated, angry, defeated and ashamed that I didn’t start this journey forever-and-a-day ago.

I decided to apply to grad school this last week and have spent the last 3 days getting everything done and submitted so that my application can be reviewed ASAP. As if college isn’t expensive enough, it has already set me back $67.25 just applying and ordering transcripts. Once my transcripts come in and the last two letters of recommendation are submitted, it’s a wait and see process.


My teenage daughters decided it would be a swell idea to have a knock down, drag out fight with one another yesterday, on my eldest’s 16th birthday, over fixing a chair. They slapped the crap out of one another’s faces, caused a giant disturbance in the house and just about caused me to scalp myself while attempting to clean up the kitchen after dinner. I didn’t HAVE to clean the kitchen, it’s the eldest’s job, after all. Since it was her birthday, I was being nice and doing it for her, but as I’m sure you’ve either learned or heard, parenting sure can be a thankless job.

My youngest does ok at home, but has been being an absolute nightmare when it comes to school. He’s been the only boy in his class for a number or years now, and since there is now another boy in his class, all hell broke loose. They both have issues with “blurting out” in class, my son especially has to get the last word in when it comes to ANYTHING. He will contest any criticism he gets from anyone by challenging them that he wasn’t arguing to begin with. I’m at the end of my rope with these kids at this point. I’ve talked to his teachers a few times now and even had a conference with them to discuss strategies. I realize that parenting is full of challenges, but I’m desperately hoping that he will pull through this because he’s close to suspension at this point. I’ve already informed him that if I get ANY negative contact from his teachers or administration tomorrow (Friday), he will not be allowed to play video games at my boyfriends this weekend. He’s already lost those privileges at home, so maybe that will be incentive for him to get his act together. At least for tomorrow. I feel like a failure and a piece of shit parent at this point. Between the three kids, I never seem to do anything right. I’m a selfish, petty warden in their all-knowing little lives. When people tell me that they’ll grow out of it and thank me later in life, I laugh and sway “I sure hope so.” At this point I’d just like to survive the day and put faith in the fact that my kids aren’t incapable of greatness.





Happy Valentine’s Day

I saw this image online yesterday and decided to re-create it since it reminds me of me and my lover. He’s handsome, he’s amazing, and he’s the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. We truly appreciate one another and find ways to celebrate our love daily, never hesitating to tell one another how we truly feel. I love you babe, our love is beautiful and amazing!!!


Parenting: Am I Protecting My Kids Or Punishing Them

There’s nothing like a teenager or two to make you doubt yourself and feel like an unsuitable parent on a daily basis. I have plenty of friends who assure me that it doesn’t just happen within my household, that it happens in theirs too. Sure, I can be stubborn and set in my ways at times, I’ll admit to that. I’ll also admit that when my kids piss me off with incessant whining and arguing, I will say “No.” just to spite them. And don’t you sit there and act like you’ve never done it yourself!

A situation came up over the last couple of days that required me to make a very difficult decision in a short amount of time, and it wasn’t without tears, yelling and screaming from the kids. Normally that behavior would have resulted in “Excuse me?! I gave you my answer and I even explained to you why I chose that answer. You will not speak to me that way, so you’d better calm down and watch your mouths, because I’m not going to put up with it!” But this time it was different and I wasn’t entirely confident in my reasoning to begin with, so I actually let them argue with me about it. To better explain, I need to divulge some personal information regarding the situation.

My nephew Zack had been very ill for the last couple of weeks, and after making a couple turns for the better, ended up making even more turns for the worse. I received the phone call Tuesday morning that he was to be taken off of life support later that day. I was going to keep this news to myself, as my kids were still home due to a delay from school because of inclement weather. I ended up deciding to tell my oldest first, and we commiserated on how terrible it was. She continued to get ready for school and my other daughter came in a few minutes later asking what her dad was talking about on Facebook. She had seen his post about Zack and I told her what was told me an hour or so earlier. “He is being taken off of life support and has a less than 5% chance of surviving….” She asked a few questions regarding who was there and who would be there and I told her I wasn’t sure. She went back to her room and started a conversation on Facebook messenger with her dad. They found out that he was driving across state to go and say goodbye and to be there with the rest of the family, and they really wanted to go. I called their dad and asked him what he was saying to them and he assured me that it was them begging to go, not the other way around. He said he would come and get them if I wanted them to go, but neither of us were sure if it was a good idea or not. He was stressed out, emotional and trying to tie up a bunch of loose ends before he was able to leave town for the 7+ hour drive, so he told me to tell them that we’d decided it wasn’t a good idea and to quit messaging him so he could finish getting ready. I called them down from their room and calmly explained that after having a conversation, we didn’t think it was the best idea for them to tag along. I understood that they wanted to go and pay their respects, but I also didn’t want to subject them to such an extreme situation. I was instantly the bad guy. My oldest was yelling. bawling and telling me it wasn’t fair…that she deserves to go and be there with him and be with the family and my other daughter said she wanted to be there too. I again explained that it wasn’t going to be a peaceful, happy time and that it would be extremely sad, emotional and overwhelming for them and everyone else involved. Their dad called me back before I had finished my argument and said he felt horrible for not letting them go. I had to agree that I felt like an asshole, but I was trying to protect them from experiencing death and heartache.

The truth of the matter is, they would be affected either way…directly and indirectly no matter which path was chosen. I told them they could go if they could manage to not fight with one another on the ridiculously long car ride and to take things with them to keep themselves occupied. They packed their things and waited to be picked up and begin the uncomfortable journey across state.

They arrived at the hospital around 9:30pm last night and gathered with the rest of the family. I received a phone call around 12:15am Wednesday morning saying that Zack had passed… I paid my respects to my ex and inquired how the girls were doing; he said they were very shaken up and upset. Understandably.

I hate that they are all the way across the state. I hate that they are teenagers that aren’t too keen on calling or messaging me to let me know how they are doing. I hate that their dad doesn’t bother to tell me how things are going and to just give me general updates about the well-being of my children. At least I don’t have to live with the guilt that I am the one who prevented them from seeing their cousin one last time and saying goodbye. The long term effects are yet to be known, but I can only hope that they will process it as a learning experience and a lesson in life and death. I love my kids and don’t want to see them hurting…I’m still questioning whether or not I made the right decision. I can’t change it now.

The Decision

After graduation in June, I applied for and was accepted into graduate school. I set my start date to September 1, 2016 and set about to enjoy my summer with the kids. I was excited and looking forward to being able to set my own pace and schedule, until I thought about the student loan dept I currently haimg_1345d and the deadlines I’d be expected to adhere to. I was especially leery since I had applied to a program that I didn’t really want to take. I’d been going to school for 4 years for human services/psychology and was about to embark on a career toward business administration.

I know…you’re thinking “Just how in the hell are those things even related?” Well, they aren’t. I talked things out with my boyfriend, who happens to be super supportive and he told me to go with my gut and quit school and start looking for a job. I stewed about it for a couple more days until I emailed my enrollment coach and broke the news to her. I immediately felt like an enormous weight was lifted from my shoulders!

Next came the job hunt, which is done 99% online these days. So far I’ve had to go in for a skills test (typing/10 key) and have had an interview. I’m very confident that I will get the job I interviewed for, as it went very well! I answered all their questions without hesitation, they liked the questions I asked them, and we all got along very well. I’m excited at the prospect of having a job by the end of the month! In the meantime, I’m still applying for jobs and waiting for the “Congratulations!” email. Wish me luck!!!



So, I have a bachelor’s degree now…

I graduated two days ago and since then I’ve been extremely emotional. If you look at me wrong, say the wrong thing, take too long to respond to me, I lose it emotionally. I’ve cried at least ten times in the last 48 hours, and it’s getting ridiculous. I know it isn’t because I graduated from college, I think it has more to do with not knowing what the future holds for me.

Talking about future prospects freaks me out because I’ve been out of the workforce for so many years and have been a student for the last four years….it’s daunting to think about getting a job right now because I want to get my masters. Also, I’m having a hell of a time figuring out where to even look for a job. Do I want to look where I currently live or where I hope to live in the future? There are many factors that will weigh that decision, but I’m not sure I’m capable of having those conversations right now.

I’m proud of myself for having made it this far and part of me is scared to stop, due to the fact that I may never find the time to go back!

evergreen grad 2016 5

Me and my bestie, Tish!

A New Fascination

For Mother’s Day this year, one of the presents that my boyfriend bought me was the graphic novel, Tanpopo. He had been reading Preacher and raving about how amazing it was, but I never expected that I would end up liking/looking forward to reading graphic novels or comics. He figured I would enjoy it, as I enjoy drawing manga characters and love to read. After devouring Tanpopo in a day, I promptly ordered Tanpopo, Volume 2, along with Fun Home: A Family Tragicomic, Giant Days and Hark! A Vagrant.

That’s a lot of hyperlinks, I know… don’t feel obligated to check them out, but if you are interested at all, then by all means…enjoy! I started reading Tanpopo, Volume 2, but it wasn’t holding my interest like the first one. Fun Home was fairly complex and definitely not for kids. My favorite so far was probably Giant Days even though it is meant for teens and took less than an hour to read.

Now I have the urge to go to the comic store and purchase the entire Giant Days series, and related series along with books that I find appealing due to the cover art, lol.



I Finally Did It!

I got a tattoo! Not just any tattoo mind you, but a tattoo that I care very deeply about. I talked about the meaning in my last post (which was forever ago). My boyfriend, Victor bought me a gift certificate for Christmas this last year and him and I both went in on January 8th and got tattooed with the words “ANAM CARA,” which is Gaelic for Soul Friend.

In the process…

tattoo process

The finished product!



And Victor’s too!


I’m really happy with the way they turned out. I’m already planning my next one! 🙂