I’ve been having quite the time lately. I can’t find a damn job worth a shit! You’d think having a bachelor’s degree would make some sort of difference in the land of job searching, but really all it does is throw another wrench into the mix. Do you have a BA? Rad! How about 2 years of experience in the field? Ummm, no. No I don’t. How in the exact shit am I supposed to have experience in a field where I just earned the credentials to get a job in the field?! I don’t want a dead end job…I’m 38 years old, and I just spent 4 years and thousands of dollars on my college education, only to find that it isn’t benefitting me much at the moment. I’m frustrated, angry, defeated and ashamed that I didn’t start this journey forever-and-a-day ago.
I decided to apply to grad school this last week and have spent the last 3 days getting everything done and submitted so that my application can be reviewed ASAP. As if college isn’t expensive enough, it has already set me back $67.25 just applying and ordering transcripts. Once my transcripts come in and the last two letters of recommendation are submitted, it’s a wait and see process.
My teenage daughters decided it would be a swell idea to have a knock down, drag out fight with one another yesterday, on my eldest’s 16th birthday, over fixing a chair. They slapped the crap out of one another’s faces, caused a giant disturbance in the house and just about caused me to scalp myself while attempting to clean up the kitchen after dinner. I didn’t HAVE to clean the kitchen, it’s the eldest’s job, after all. Since it was her birthday, I was being nice and doing it for her, but as I’m sure you’ve either learned or heard, parenting sure can be a thankless job.
My youngest does ok at home, but has been being an absolute nightmare when it comes to school. He’s been the only boy in his class for a number or years now, and since there is now another boy in his class, all hell broke loose. They both have issues with “blurting out” in class, my son especially has to get the last word in when it comes to ANYTHING. He will contest any criticism he gets from anyone by challenging them that he wasn’t arguing to begin with. I’m at the end of my rope with these kids at this point. I’ve talked to his teachers a few times now and even had a conference with them to discuss strategies. I realize that parenting is full of challenges, but I’m desperately hoping that he will pull through this because he’s close to suspension at this point. I’ve already informed him that if I get ANY negative contact from his teachers or administration tomorrow (Friday), he will not be allowed to play video games at my boyfriends this weekend. He’s already lost those privileges at home, so maybe that will be incentive for him to get his act together. At least for tomorrow. I feel like a failure and a piece of shit parent at this point. Between the three kids, I never seem to do anything right. I’m a selfish, petty warden in their all-knowing little lives. When people tell me that they’ll grow out of it and thank me later in life, I laugh and sway “I sure hope so.” At this point I’d just like to survive the day and put faith in the fact that my kids aren’t incapable of greatness.
I’m sure you do. In fact you can’t wait for just the teeniest morsel of pissedoffishness!
So here it is…
I had to call DSHS this morning in order to complete my eligibility review. Even though the automated system kept hanging up on me because “all circuits are busy, please call back later,” I was diligent and proceeded with good ol rapid fire redialing. I got smart and wrote down all the prompts and finally made it through to the queue where I was told my approximate wait time would be 27 minutes. I knew right then that it was bullshit. I called last week (too early for September reviews apparently) and sat on hold for TWO hours only to be told that the earliest I could call in and have a review would be August 26th, which is clearly today.
So I sat on hold…..doodled and drank coffee, tortured the cat, played with my son, played a game on my Kindle, sent copious amounts of email, checked Facebook and grew more and more impatient.
Finally, after 1 hour and 4 minutes, I was on the phone with a woman who sounded like she could have had a laptop perched on her legs while she was in the bathroom taking a shit. You know that sound…echoey and stark. She verified my address, family size and the amount of child support I was supposed to be receiving and then she typed up a bunch of junk for the next 4 minutes, told me I was good to go for another year and that was that.
Seriously?! You had ALL of that information plus every other detail of my life in the plethora of forms that I submitted…what is the purpose of making me sit on hold for so damn long?!
I know, I shouldn’t bitch about it, but you know what? IT PISSES ME OFF!
I’m at a standstill and I don’t know which way to go. Not literally of course, where else would I be but sitting on my bed eating chocolate at 11:23pm. Whatever inspiration there was has come and gone because these days doing homework with the kids sparks more passion than picking up my camera or writing a post. I’m sure it’s just a rut, possibly one left by a mud flinging, deer strapped to the hood, redneck type of truck that you’d find out here in the country. Then again, it could be from a tricycle. One never knows with me.
I miss writing; I miss the communication and the feedback. I feel better and accomplished when I do things to make myself happy. Whether it’s sitting around the kitchen table with my best friend chugging down a bottle of wine or grabbing my camera and exploring nature, when it happens, I feel alive. Then there are times when I’m just here, merely surviving.
This post is ridiculous and not even close to worth posting but maybe if I post it I’ll feel something…a slight twinge of accomplishment.
I hate that this still gets to me, still makes me sick to my stomach and makes my blood boil. I. Hate. It.
After all the times without public admiration and affection on the networking websites, including on birthdays and anniversaries, I grew to not expect anything from him. It hurt that he could leave things for other people to read but when it came to me, it didn’t matter. In part, I think he was jealous that I had so many people pining over me, telling me how much fun it was to read my blogs and how they looked forward to it every day. I think the he was genuinely jealous of the attention that I was getting from other people. Maybe it was because he thought their opinions mattered more to me that his own…but in the grand scheme of things, I suppose they did.
It sucks to feel that your significant other doesn’t support your dreams. Even if he did, he never showed it and it hurt me. So when other people believed in me and told me that they loved my work, it meant a lot. He can perceive it as choosing to value their opinions over his own…but I know that isn’t the truth.
I’m just irritated that I have to see how Uh-Mazzzzzzing his girlfriend is and how much he fuckin’ loves her when he couldn’t even bother to tell me Happy Birthday or Happy Anniversary half of the time.