Getting Kicked When You’re Already Down…A Series of Rants

Work/College

I’ve been having quite the time lately. I can’t find a damn job worth a shit! You’d think having a bachelor’s degree would make some sort of difference in the land of job searching, but really all it does is throw another wrench into the mix. Do you have a BA? Rad! How about 2 years of experience in the field? Ummm, no. No I don’t. How in the exact shit am I supposed to have experience in a field where I just earned the credentials to get a job in the field?! I don’t want a dead end job…I’m 38 years old, and I just spent 4 years and thousands of dollars on my college education, only to find that it isn’t benefitting me much at the moment. I’m frustrated, angry, defeated and ashamed that I didn’t start this journey forever-and-a-day ago.

I decided to apply to grad school this last week and have spent the last 3 days getting everything done and submitted so that my application can be reviewed ASAP. As if college isn’t expensive enough, it has already set me back $67.25 just applying and ordering transcripts. Once my transcripts come in and the last two letters of recommendation are submitted, it’s a wait and see process.

Parenting

My teenage daughters decided it would be a swell idea to have a knock down, drag out fight with one another yesterday, on my eldest’s 16th birthday, over fixing a chair. They slapped the crap out of one another’s faces, caused a giant disturbance in the house and just about caused me to scalp myself while attempting to clean up the kitchen after dinner. I didn’t HAVE to clean the kitchen, it’s the eldest’s job, after all. Since it was her birthday, I was being nice and doing it for her, but as I’m sure you’ve either learned or heard, parenting sure can be a thankless job.

My youngest does ok at home, but has been being an absolute nightmare when it comes to school. He’s been the only boy in his class for a number or years now, and since there is now another boy in his class, all hell broke loose. They both have issues with “blurting out” in class, my son especially has to get the last word in when it comes to ANYTHING. He will contest any criticism he gets from anyone by challenging them that he wasn’t arguing to begin with. I’m at the end of my rope with these kids at this point. I’ve talked to his teachers a few times now and even had a conference with them to discuss strategies. I realize that parenting is full of challenges, but I’m desperately hoping that he will pull through this because he’s close to suspension at this point. I’ve already informed him that if I get ANY negative contact from his teachers or administration tomorrow (Friday), he will not be allowed to play video games at my boyfriends this weekend. He’s already lost those privileges at home, so maybe that will be incentive for him to get his act together. At least for tomorrow. I feel like a failure and a piece of shit parent at this point. Between the three kids, I never seem to do anything right. I’m a selfish, petty warden in their all-knowing little lives. When people tell me that they’ll grow out of it and thank me later in life, I laugh and sway “I sure hope so.” At this point I’d just like to survive the day and put faith in the fact that my kids aren’t incapable of greatness.

 

 

 

So, I have a bachelor’s degree now…

I graduated two days ago and since then I’ve been extremely emotional. If you look at me wrong, say the wrong thing, take too long to respond to me, I lose it emotionally. I’ve cried at least ten times in the last 48 hours, and it’s getting ridiculous. I know it isn’t because I graduated from college, I think it has more to do with not knowing what the future holds for me.

Talking about future prospects freaks me out because I’ve been out of the workforce for so many years and have been a student for the last four years….it’s daunting to think about getting a job right now because I want to get my masters. Also, I’m having a hell of a time figuring out where to even look for a job. Do I want to look where I currently live or where I hope to live in the future? There are many factors that will weigh that decision, but I’m not sure I’m capable of having those conversations right now.

I’m proud of myself for having made it this far and part of me is scared to stop, due to the fact that I may never find the time to go back!

evergreen grad 2016 5

Me and my bestie, Tish!