Shit I’m Always Thinking About Even When I Don’t Write It Down

Dreams

–noun

1. a succession of images, thoughts, or emotions passing through the mind during sleep.

For some reason, they’ve started coming to me again.

They aren’t so pretty.  Usually I wake up livid and upset, sometimes with a few tears in my eyes with bated breath.  They are all about this time in my life where I don’t understand, when I can’t understand.  It isn’t mine to understand, I just have to live it.

I’ve made the choice to survive and continue on even though I thought it would never be possible.  I’ve tried to use these feelings as an outlet, as creativity, as growth.  Sometimes I feel like I’m paving the way to a new and happy existence and other times I feel so shot down and hurt.  I was driving yesterday thinking about the ocean and how so many dreams have been sent out to sea and have drawn their last breath before sinking into the deep blue abyss.  I remember moments at the ocean, moments of joy and sadness, moments of awe and wonder.  I wonder if anything will ever truly compare to the happiness that was carried away with the splash of a wave.

Sometimes the anger inside me comes out in my dreams…I scream to you, I beg you, I try to make you see.  It doesn’t help, it just frustrates me.  I wake up hating you, your choices, and your actions.

There are so many things you overlooked about me.  Things you thought you knew or saw, but didn’t fully understand about me.  You saw what you needed to.  It was enough to get by, but it wasn’t enough to keep you around.  The passion and approval that I needed so badly from you wasn’t seen when I needed it most.

You taught me a lot of things and for that, I thank you.  You taught me how to talk things out and to come to an understanding instead of just shutting down.  You taught me what it’s like to have a strong, loving family.  You’ve taught me that judgments aren’t always accurate and “smart” people come from all different backgrounds.  You’ve also taught me how to survive when I didn’t think it was possible.   You taught me how to see things your way and to allow someone else’s opinion to become my own…later teaching me that it’s ok to stand by your own opinions and stick with that you’re most comfortable with as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone in the process.

Until next time, I don’t hate you…  Then again, this is all just a dream, right?

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