I Thought I Knew.

I thought to myself ever since I was a little kid that I’d have a grip on my life, that I’d never end up one of those cold, grumpy, unhappy people who just stays where they are in life out of convenience.  I told myself after being taught that sex is for marriage that I’d wait until I was married before I’d have sex.  I told myself that I’d never do drugs, that I’d never smoke a cigarette, that I’d never smoke pot, and that I’d never put myself in the position to make bad decisions.

I really thought I had a firm grip on my life…I’d been married for 10 years, we’d had 3 beautiful kids, we’d had some semblance of a life, a normalcy, some common ground, a relationship…

What I didn’t foresee happening is that we’d grow apart, that the attention of others would slowly diminish our relationship, our friendship, our love.  It wasn’t so long ago that I swore up and down and inside out to myself that it couldn’t happen to me…that I wouldn’t let it happen to me because I’m better than that, I’m a good person and people who are trying shouldn’t be able to fail, but again, I was wrong…I was headed down the path of insecurity toward someone elses virtual arms.  It might have been nothing but words, but those were words I could eat with a spoon that would satisfy my soul if only for a brief moment.  Words that would keep me hanging on when I thought I wasn’t good enough to be a mom, a wife, a daughter….

There were just words.

We all have our struggles, we tell ourselves it’ll never be us, that we’re better than that.  That when the time comes we’ll see if happening and we’ll do our best to put an end to it, but once the lights are out and you have time to think, is it worth opening your mouth, starting another fight, causing animosity…

I have done a few things right…
I did wait for sex until I was with the person I knew without a doubt that I was going to marry.  I’ve never done drugs, smoked a cigarette or smoked pot.  Yet…
I have made some poor decisions as well…almost cheating with my husbands best friend before we were married.  I’ve had online friendships turn into more than just innocent chit chat, laughter and banter…my emotions and my insecurities have ways of getting the best of me even when I try my best to ward them off.

Couple all of the above with stress, selfishness, insecurities, jealousy and a few kids and you’ve got one hell of a basket case on your hands.  A serious emotional slow fuck is what I’ve given myself over the last 15 years of my life.  From the beginning things weren’t right…they got weirder and then they got worse.  I thought things had gotten better, but they’d really just turned into resentment on both of our parts…

“Resentment is weak and lowers your self-esteem.”  Barbara Sher

I’m learning how to live for myself, for my heart and my soul.  Asking myself what I truly need in my life, what matters most at the end of the day is that I’m happy, but not just any happy.  I have to be happy with myself, with who I’ve become, with who I’m becoming.  So far I’ve had a few hurdles to jump but after not having ran the race in so long I’m making some pretty good headway.

I’m able to breathe, to eat, to sleep, to think, to walk on my own two feet, I’m able to voice my opinion, stick up for myself, say what I want and what I don’t want.  I’m able to be the person I always wanted to be.

I only thought I knew who I was going to be 15 years ago…


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