Where I’m From

I am from a place where kids stay out after the streetlights come on, from crackers and Easy Cheese and butter smothered popcorn.

I am from the country…a two-story house, water from a well and acres of land.  I am from honeysuckle and buttercups, scotch broom and thistle.  I am from bales of hay and saddles.  I am from tire swings and slip-n-slides, from wedges of watermelon and bike rides without helmets.  I am from sunburns and jelly shoes, from apple trees and snow boots.  I am from animal lovers and rescuers, from garden grown vegetables and home canned fruit.

I am from Lundquist, McDougall and Fahey, from card games and Super Bowl parties, from 50 cent pieces and scratchy beards.  I am from blue eyes and olive skin, from rules and consequences.  I am from lemon drops and cups of tea.  I am from banana milkshakes and late night conversations.  I am from educators and enforcers, from salesmen and laborers. I am from stubborn and meek, from passive and proactive.  I am from submarines and ships, from newspapers and books.

I am from the fort under the card table and the branch on the big tree in the front yard.  From record players and eight-track cassettes, from Polariods and negatives.  I am from bowling alleys and virgin Shirley Temples, from truck beds and swimming pools.  I am from bleachers indoor and out, from band and volleyball, from music and art.

From Strawberry Shortcake pillows, a canopy bed and albums full of Garbage Pail Kids, from Cabbage Patch Kids and Care Bears.  I am from Saturday morning cartoons and heaped bowls of Golden Grahams.  I am from family road trips and The Bodyguard soundtrack.  I am from emergency room visits and a broken arm, from aunts, uncles and cousins.  I am from wood cutting with Grandpa and dessert baking with Grannie.  I am from yarn and handmade afghans, from fabric and sewing machines.

I am from The Holy Trinity, The Torah, confusion, spirituality.

I’m from the Bear Festival, The Evergreen State and The Muddy Banks of the Wishkah.  From the ocean, blueberry bushes, homemade jam and pillowcases full of Halloween candy.  From the catchy jingles at Christmas time, the tar from the middle of the street, and the dad I finally had the courage to contact.

I am from nicotine outlined frames on the living room wall, scrapbooks and wallets with picture inserts.  I am from yearbooks and wedding pictures, from grade school stories and awards and ceramic handprints.

Me & Grandpa, 1981-82ish

Honesty

Yesterday, while getting ready for a shower, one of my daughters asked me “Why did you and dad split up?”  I was taken aback some since it’s been close to 3 years since we’ve split.  I asked her to repeat the question and was of course asked the same… ”Why did you and dad split up?”

I had a few choices.  I could play the victim, I could play the pissed off and bitter parent, I could change the subject or I could face it head on.  I chose to face it.  Before you get judgmental on me and think that I haven’t yet talked to my children about this period in my life, let me assure you, it’s been talked about.  Now that my daughter is a little bit older and more understanding, I’m assuming she just wants to process this for herself which is perfectly healthy and okay with me.  While my mind raced a mile a minute, the words gingerly came out of my mouth, “Your dad just…he just decided that he wanted to go out and see the world…and see what else there was out there.”  She then asked if we’d been fighting a lot or arguing during that time.  I told her “No, we weren’t fighting, sometimes things like this just happen.”  She pressed on, “And you were okay with that?” to which I replied, “No, I wasn’t okay with it, but I wasn’t going to make him stay somewhere that he didn’t want to be…”

That was the extent of our conversation about splitting up with her father.  She knows that I care for him and wish him well, but she has also been able to see that life moved on when things didn’t go my way.

Sometimes my kids surprise me with the questions and topics they bring up, who knows what will be next. :]

Squeaky Toy

That’s what I sound like these days.  Thanks to having 3 kids in public school, I get my fair share of sickness.  The germy little turds, you’d think I was out licking shopping carts all day long.  On the plus side, the weather has been trying to decide whether or not to show us any promising signs of an upcoming summer.  Today it was nice enough to dig the lawn furniture pads out of the attic and get them all tied on and neatly arranged on the patio.  I know better than to think it will last since the patio is where the girls love to plug in their Barbie radio and bust a move.

To the 2 of you that read this, I’m sorry I have been neglecting you with my boring stories.  I guess I’ve been a little preoccupied with writing “real” letters.  You know, the kind that you actually write with a pen and then with the purchase of a stamp, the postal service transports for you?!  That kind!  I’ve loved getting back in touch with a notebook and taking the time to write out my thoughts and sending them away.  It’s been therapeutic for me, I should take the time more often to do that for myself.   That being said, I can’t wait until May 22!!!!  Should I go see him or should I wait for him to come see me?!  Decisions, decisions…  It’s too bad we can’t meet in the middle and just stay there for a good long while.  *sigh*

I just took a little break to order some prints from Snapfish.  They keep sending me reminders that I have some freebies to use, so I figured I might as well do it right now while I was thinking about it.  Free always seems to cost something these days…next time I’ll print at Wal-Mart then go pick them up (which is what I normally do anyhow).  It was only $3.79 for 46 prints, so I shouldn’t complain, but I will anyhow.  That’s just how I roll.

It’s getting late and I’ve been going to bed early-ish lately because of this ass kickin’ cold.  Sorry to bail, but guhnight y’all!

Hung The Hell Over

Ugh.

Bring on the hangover relief (Patrick is too good to me)!

I think it’s safe to say that I drank a little too much Hennessey last night.  At least the drinking resulted in quite a bit of fun.  I didn’t feel so hot shopping with Tiff this afternoon, but I did my duty pushing the cart and helped load it in the car all the while feeling like I was nearing death. lol  We’re making lasagna for dinner tonight which doesn’t sound too appealing right this second, but I’ll survive.  Apparently I have nothing too exciting to say other than my stomach hurts and I feel like ass. lol

I drank my “stuff” and ate a Ding Dong…alas, let the curing begin! haha

One of “those” days…

You know the type I’m talking about?  The types when you want to shut the world out, sit in the kitchen alone drinking coffee, write a letter without interruption, and be uncharacteristically quiet. This weekend was full of family socializing and fun but for some reason today has been a struggle. My Biodad has to have heart surgery next month and I can safely say that I’m nervous about that. I’m tired of going out of my way to be nice to people and receiving nothing in return. I’m tired of making excuses for people’s actions, but being forced to because I simply must an answer. I’m just sick of it all. However, through all of this, I’m learning what and who to appreciate more and how to deal with the crap that I don’t like, better.

I both love and hate these introspective days. At least I can count on my tea and a movie for some comfort, because apparently my head isn’t helping any.

Love.

Maybe I’m The Exception

At times I feel as if I’m one of the few that believes in second chances and forgiveness. I’ve had to be on the giving and receiving end of both and as most of you can attest to it can be quite the trial. When my ex-husband and I first split up and the initial shock of it all had simmered to a medium roar, we’d run into one another at the bar when we were out with friends. He would come over to our table and we would sit and talk and joke around and while parts of it were just like our prior relationship, many parts of it were new and different. My friends would scoff at me and ask me what the heck I was doing. My answer to them was simple; we’re still friends…I don’t dislike him as a person. Just because things didn’t work out between us doesn’t automatically mean that I need to be on a rampage and hate every fiber of his being. That isn’t me. That isn’t how I believe people should react given a hard situation.

Sure there were times that I wanted to scream in his face and tell him off, but there were also times where I would just cry and hurt. I used to hold on to his hugs for longer than necessary because they gave me a sense of security even when I knew things had fallen apart. When we both started dating other people, the hugs became less frequent and eventually stopped all together. I miss that few seconds of a friendship that used to be. I can only compare it to communion…remembering what was and what our relationship meant while it was still alive and well. I needed the comfort of his arms even when we were the ones destroying each other. People who haven’t been in my shoes won’t understand, and I don’t urge you to try…just support your friends and loved ones in their voyage to new beginnings. Don’t be judgmental and don’t assume you know what’s best for them.

Just to be clear, I’ve been divorced since October 2009 and I’m not saying that the changes that happened weren’t necessary to bring us both to where we currently are in our lives. I don’t regret my marriage, and I don’t regret the person I was shaped into throughout my marriage.

“Livin’ in the shadow’s regret kills you faster than a bullet to the chest, so make a way every day, for a little bit of chance.” – Excerpt from “Chance” by John Paul Carmody

I forgive you; I hope you forgive me too.

Fat Foam Hair Dye – My Review

Today, as one of those spur of the moment purchases at none other than Walmart, I bought some Fat Foam. Have you seen the commercials or spotted it at the store? It’s hair dye but in foam form.

 

After mixing the developer and powder in the “shaker” and shaking it for about 45 seconds, I unscrewed the top surprised to see actual foam inside. I scooped some up with my gloved fingers and began in the front of my head, working my way through all (or at least most) of my hair. Since my hair is long and thick, I probably should have opted for 2 boxes. I must say that the application was no mess, no drip and just a fast, hands-on application! I got dye on the side of my neck, as per the usual, and I was partially afraid that I’d be stained for life. You know how some of those products are!!! It wiped off with a damp washcloth with no problem at all. I was shocked. Shock and awe, I tell you!

 

It sits on your hair for a minimum of 30 minutes, and while I’m used to 10 with Perfect10, that’s ok…I’ll sacrifice 20 minutes of my time to test out a new product.

 

The only difference I noticed so far was that it goes on as foam and changes to an almost gel-like consistency; it felt very dry even when saturated throughout my hair.

 

I just got out of the shower and the reviews were indeed right. Drying. Very drying. I could feel it after I shampooed (yes, there’s a shampoo packet included and wow does it ever get sudsy!). I did the regular regime of conditioning for 3 minutes with the crappy conditioner and then I used my expensive salon brand conditioner and noticed a definite change. The included conditioner could definitely stand for some improvement and also MORE OF IT! You know those foil sample packs you’ve received in the mail that contain shampoo and conditioner and they never tear open easily? That’s what this is reminiscent of. There’s about 1/3 of what I’d normally use on my hair, then again I have fairly thick, long hair.

 

When I brushed my hair, I could feel the dryness…and I could hear it too. That squeaky cry for help…you’ve heard it before. We’ll see what it feels like next time I wash it. For now, the color looks decent, but it’s still wet and it’s almost 2am and frankly, I don’t feel like drying it right now. The coverage of grey by my temples seems to have taken well to the color, as for the underside of my hair; I’m not even going to bother to look because like I said earlier, I should have used 2 boxes.

 

 

Overall I rate this a 4 out of 5 stars.

The pros:

 

Easy preparation

Easy application

100% Grey coverage

Mild smell

Easy cleanup

 

The cons:

 

Excessively drying

Lack of quality/quantity of conditioner

Stagnant

I’m at a standstill and I don’t know which way to go. Not literally of course, where else would I be but sitting on my bed eating chocolate at 11:23pm. Whatever inspiration there was has come and gone because these days doing homework with the kids sparks more passion than picking up my camera or writing a post. I’m sure it’s just a rut, possibly one left by a mud flinging, deer strapped to the hood, redneck type of truck that you’d find out here in the country. Then again, it could be from a tricycle. One never knows with me.

I miss writing; I miss the communication and the feedback. I feel better and accomplished when I do things to make myself happy. Whether it’s sitting around the kitchen table with my best friend chugging down a bottle of wine or grabbing my camera and exploring nature, when it happens, I feel alive. Then there are times when I’m just here, merely surviving.

This post is ridiculous and not even close to worth posting but maybe if I post it I’ll feel something…a slight twinge of accomplishment.

Here goes nuthin!

Dear Dirthill,

I can definitely say that yesterday was just what I needed.  I needed to breathe you in, to be engulfed by your love.  You spoke with abandon and I melted in your arms, completely tranquil.  This is all so familiar, yet so new.  It’s grade school revisited, the notes, the phone calls, the river.  There’s so much passion looking into your eyes, while our souls intertwine and my heart swells and pumps furiously.

I love you completely.

It hurt to let go, to kiss you one last time just before you shut the gate.  My heart is full now, and there’s no questioning the perfection of our love because it’s as bright as the sun and anyone who looks at us will see.  If ever there was a soulmate for me, it’s unequivocally you.

You’d better strap on a helmet, because we’re about to go on a beautiful ride together.

Love,

Your Belle